Sometimes, you just miss people.
You know how it is, when people change and you just miss the way they used to be. Or, when things change and you miss the way they used to be. You somehow manage to convince yourself that everything will get better in time, and you manage to pretend that this one individual person means nothing to you anymore, when in reality, they used to hold so much meaning in your life.
Maybe none of you can relate to this. Maybe some of you can. People walk in and out of your life regardless if you want them to stay or not. Whether it was a best friend, a parent, a sibling, cousin, other relative, significant other, coworker, etc, etc. Sometimes you just miss them, and how it all was once before. Like, how can you not miss the looking at each other and knowing exactly what they're thinking just by the look on their face? How can you not miss the way you guys used to stay up until late night (or early morning) coming up with your own theories on how life was created, what happens after death, and so on? How can you not miss knowing someone like the back of your hand? All their weird quirks and flaws and just.. well everything. How can one not miss that?
How does it feel knowing that there's just this person, standing only a couple feet down the hall, that once would take a bullet for you? And how does it feel knowing that if you did get shot, all they could possibly do is send their condolences to your family members? Well I'll tell you, it feels weird, and even a bit sad.
I once had this friend that I knew like the back of my hand. I knew all their flaws and quirks, and I could literally say this person was crazy-insane with a smile on my face. They always knew how to make me laugh, we never fought and we were always together. We had been friends for a relatively long time. And then this really stupid thing happened, that brought out both our true colors, and the friendship abruptly ended. It wasn't much of a mutual agreement. It just kind of happened as they just kind of dropped off the earth for a couple days. It's done and over with now, but sometimes... sometimes I still miss them.
It was clear for me to see that this person could be extremely manipulative when they wanted to be, and that it was a kind of toxic relationship that I had going on here. When we did get into fights, which wasn't really often, they never apologized when they were in the wrong and things just got brushed under the rug. Sometimes they'd even switch it around so it seemed like I did the bad thing and I should be the one apologizing.
Now, I'm not trying to make it seem like this person is a terrible human being. No. It's just, this person and I were really close and I did consider them to be my best friend of all time, and it took so long to see this side of them. It was quite shocking. I've also realized that I had grown negative opinions with people, who I've started talking to recently and they're not bad people at all, because this person had negative feelings for them. Now, that's not that person's fault. But my own because they had greatly influenced who I was.
As you all can tell, I have quite a lot to say about this person in negative terms, but it's because I've dwelled on the negative for so long. I'm going to admit, I haven't been the nicest to this person since we've stopped being friends. Rumors go around about this person all the time, and I sometimes have things to say which aren't very positive. And sometimes I'd love to see the social collapse of this individual, as we have the same friends. I hope sometimes that our mutual friends could see how manipulative and how much of an asshole this person can be. But I am in the process of trying to get over these things. Grudges are terrible to have and I never really thought I could hold a grudge so long, seeming it's been months since our friendship collapse. (almost a year). I'm working on it.
I don't miss the negativity of our friendship obviously, but the good parts. This person always seemed to be in the things I was into. We liked the same movies, music, TV shows, etc. etc. We could look at each other and know exactly what the other one was thinking. And it wasn't rare for one of us to be over at the other's house. We gossiped, and shared everything... well mostly everything. I miss being able to theorize story ideas when we'd be reading the same book, discussing great tv show endings that we came up with, being absolutely in love with the same fictional characters. It was great. This person was always full of crazy and interesting ideas, when they didn't want to spend the entire day on their IPad. And they were insanely pretty.
It was never really a dull moment. We just had grown so close.. and then it just kind of got tossed into the shredder. And I mean, I have other friends. Great friends actually. But I barely hang out with them like I hung out with my used-to-be best friend. I feel as if I'll never really have a best friend like that again. I mean, maybe that's not a completely terrible thing, as it's clear to me now some parts of this friendship were incredibly rotted. But holding onto the good memories makes me miss the way things used to be. Letting go of the good memories makes me angry and upset with this person who used to be my best friend, as the negative seeps back in. I find now that when someone does us wrong, it's easy to forgive and harder to forget. It almost seems impossible. But I have faith it's not.
It can be incredibly hard to get over losing someone. From death, a situation like mine, or other reasons that I can't exactly relate to at this moment in time. But we have to learn to be able to let bad things go and try to be positive and attempt to still be great humans. To be able to smile a genuine smile at the people who have wronged us, to not be as miserable as we may have been before... To find the better things in life. It may be difficult, but with a clear head and good intentions, maybe it's not as challenging as we make it out to be.
Well, This is the end of my little-long ramble for the night.. even though i'm supposed to be studying for biology..
Goodnight my lovelies, and I hope you have a great day tomorrow!